Sorry, I’ve been seriously neglecting this website. I should be doing more on here, but I’m spread so thin, facebook, twitter, youtube, foursquare, yelp, etc. It never ends. It’s hard to focus on just one place, especially since hardly anyone would want to come to this website when facebook seems to be the main place everyone is going to see anything having to do with one’s life. I’m getting kind of sick of facebook for some reason. I’d be sick of twitter too, if twitter actually, like were a lot of work. I used to just post cool stuff I found on twitter, but now it’s more of a place to just put stuff that pops into my head. I think it maybe time to revert back to that. I can’t imagine anyone wants to see me talk about eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or being on he bus next to a pimply-faced moron standing too close to me. Besides, anything on this website is mine. Anything I post on twitter, facebook, etc, belongs to them. Facebook hasn’t been the most trustworthy website when it comes to ownership or privacy lately. If I have this website, I may as well use it.

In 1986, the Chernobyl nuclear power plant (located in the Soviet Union) had a massive melt-down. It was tragic, blah blah…

Nine years ago today, however, myself and many of my friends had our own Chernobyl, if you will. At exactly midnight on April 26, 1999, my computer froze. I thought nothing of it as this was common with Windows 98. I hit the button and off we were with a reboot…or were we? The system booted into a error message that simply read, “Windows Not Found.” I had only had this computer for a year, but all was lost. In a panic, I quickly picked up the phone to call Alex. I heard panic in his voice as well almost immediately. “Dude, I can’t talk now, my computer froze and won’t boot into Windows.” I called my mom the next morning to warn her of this plague. She booted her machine and the same result happened. If only I had known keeping the computer off would have prevented this… I was so emotionally scarred and violated, I took the day off from school. Alex called me to tell me that it had hit a bunch of people at his school. The dreaded Chernobyl virus (A.K.A. “CIH”) had taken hold. By far, this was the most vicious virus I had ever dealt with and still is to date. The following year or two, in memoriam, my friends and I would not allow our computers to see the light of day on April 26.

Time has passed and the smoke has cleared, but I know that I will never forget. This world can be cruel sometimes.

Well a year has passed…actually more. I have decided to restructure the “rants” part of the website. Can it be? M2J has a b-b-blog!?? Yes that’s correct, at some point you realize that a blog really doesn’t mean all that much, it’s the content that determines its value (or lack thereof). What I had before was essentially a blog anyway, this just makes more sense, however. So very much has changed, and yet somehow a lot of it is the same. New drama, all drama, it’s just drama in the end right? Well from now on, we may see a little more of me thanks to me making this process easier on myself. Just a heads up to everyone, see you all real soon, those of you who still drop by.

It was long about 1998. I was only 16, smack in the middle of high school. Mommy and daddy where my invincible crutches…well, mom was a crutch, dad…was a glass of water…regardless, life’s troubles certainly didn’t trouble me. I was a naive innocent soul with pure thoughts. I don’t know how it happened, but bad luck suddenly found me. Bad thing after bad thing happened to me. Even things I thought were good were only a prelude to worse things. Between the years 2001 and 2004…something dark and hateful bloomed inside me. It’s grown now to a majority of who I am. I’ve become cynical and angry. My parents and I have completely split and don’t get along anymore. My cat’s dead. I hate girls. I’m on my own and broke… I never had so much trouble to deal with. Man, 4 years ago, nothing could touch me. I may have been some what of a sweet douche bag kinda guy, but that isn’t so bad. I was full of optimism. Everything that’s happened to me in the last 4 years has given me a grim outlook on things. No longer do I wake up anticipating tomorrow and wondering what the world has in store for me, but dreading my next breath, that something is gonna go wrong. I have to fear a wrench in my gears every hour. One straw breaks my back almost always. It’s horrible. I wake up dreading the future, and thriving on the past, replaying things over and over again and asking myself how I let things happen. I miss myself now. You know, I used to say before I had this epiphany, that if I was to go back in time and I’d meet myself…I hate myself. Now I wonder, seeing as how I was once that person I know I would hate (and not believe) that I was them. The big question is … who would be the hero and who would be the villain? I think I know the answer to that. I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost being proud of myself. I’m now a shell of who I used to be, and filled with anger instead of the bright shining aura I think I once had. When I sit down and realize that…It breaks my heart. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to snap me back into who I used to be. Maybe I felt like the person I used to be was too weak and my way of becoming stronger was becoming distant and abrasive. I think I shoulda been who am I now a long time ago, and I think I should have become who I used to be around now. But I also look at the world as a place where you succeed more when you are more malicious. When you’re selfish and greedy, you get what you want. When you don’t respect anyone, people respect you. People like complain about assholes like that, but the complaining never stops because things never change. I don’t want to live in a world like that anymore, but if I have to, I want to change it somehow. I want the nice guy, the little guy who gets stepped on to somehow succeed, somehow to reach his goal, and not do so because he changed his ways and did what everyone else does, but stuck to who he was and made it by taking the high road. It doesn’t have to be me; I just want it to be SOMEONE just so I can see it IS possible. Every story you read almost of someone rich and successful … always has a story that brings their character in to question. Anyone with a secure bank account has taking a proverbial dagger and jabbed it into someone’s heart. I think this is part of the reason I adore Hulk Hogan so much … he represents all that is right. I’m not talking about the person; I’m talking about the character. He represents goodness in a strong way …I need to know that having a big heart and good soul doesn’t mean you have to be knocked around and stepped on, but you can still have strength and overcome anything. Is it too late for me? Have I lost that part of myself? You know, there’s people I knew back then that I don’t know anymore, and there’s people I know now that didn’t know me then… I would love them to chat one day…and talk about me, and hear one of them say, “Are we definitely talking about the same guy?” I’m 95% sure someone would ask that. Matt I know you’re reading this, wake up! Come back, we miss you.